The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
These are my roll models.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
