Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

There’s no “us” in nachos.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

ㅤ

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color