Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.