Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently