The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
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The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Thursday
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.