Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

It’s the weekend y’all

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

Called it

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf