Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

#TopTip

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

*limbos away from your hug*

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.