Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence