The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
This took me a second..
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.