Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

Not now. I’m deglazing.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.