The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
You Might Also Like
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”