The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing