the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
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30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve