Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

I bet

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

*bites zombie*

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.