Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

meanwhile over on facebook

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?