The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
why I oughta
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.