Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.