The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.