Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

Oh boy, $150,000!

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.