The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
my sentiments exactly
This is enough internet for the day.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married