The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
You Might Also Like
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
lol
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.