The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”