The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card