The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.