Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers