Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?