Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

you’re not fooling anyone

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce