[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?


WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.


I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.


My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.


Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.


HR: What are some of your strengths?

Me: Shifting the blame

HR: That’s a horrible reply

Me: No, your question was!

HR: Wow, you’re good!


If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.


Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.


[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?


Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.