@DrakeGatsby

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

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@ThugRaccoons

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

@SkippyMcGizzard

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

@stoneman67

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

@Ms612

My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.

@michaelianblack

Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.

@thatUPSdude

HR: What are some of your strengths?

Me: Shifting the blame

HR: That’s a horrible reply

Me: No, your question was!

HR: Wow, you’re good!

@xLiserx

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

@3sunzzz

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

@bazecraze

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.