[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
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I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My patronus is a cheeseburger
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA