@EtobicokeErnie

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.

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@Darlainky

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@Skoog

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

@ScorpionDong

Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me

@MUMSIEesq

[3AM]
FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?

@EllaZee5

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

@SoulYodeler

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*