I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
You Might Also Like
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day