@EtobicokeErnie

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.

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@susie_qsie

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

@EddieHarris216

Winnie the Pooh: Huh. According to this book we’re both apex predators.
Tigger: Really?
(They turn their heads)
Piglet: Oh shit.

@shariv67

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

@ParentNormal

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

@GrillinChillin9

I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that gravity is at it’s strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.

@Havish_AF

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

@Queen_Sassy_AF

At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.

@Divergentmama

I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea