The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.

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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?


Winnie the Pooh: Huh. According to this book we’re both apex predators.
Tigger: Really?
(They turn their heads)
Piglet: Oh shit.


We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”


I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.


I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that gravity is at it’s strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.


As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?


At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.


I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.


[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea