The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.

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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.


healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok


mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?


me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?


Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me


FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?


If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.


Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*