@NotthatAdamWest

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.

- @NotthatAdamWest

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@Whatevah_Amy

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

@MumsieEsq

Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?

@thenatewolf

Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.

Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”

@dorsalstream

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

@TheBoydP

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

@TheDailySchmuck

I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.

@Rollinintheseat

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

@Fred_Delicious

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

@sarcasm_inc

[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either

@better_off_dad

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!