FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
They’re stuck in your pants?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
me refusing to leave twitter
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Breaking news:
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?