Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

ㅤ

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

incredible

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

sailors wish they could swear like me

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.