Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

#gardening

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.