The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office