The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I can’t stop watching this.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.