The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
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To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Bringing back this classic
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*