The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude