“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?
Wife: Please go wait in the car
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred