The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows


My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.


[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car


Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*


God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*


I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”


*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*


The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?


I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?


Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred