Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

It’s password awareness Friday.

Today I offer free consulting.

Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

i was dropped as an adult

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!