Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

this is literally a CIA plant

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*