The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
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My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.