The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
You Might Also Like
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
the #horror is real!
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Dietest Coke
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.