The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
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A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
