The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
You Might Also Like
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?