Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.