The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again