@Smethanie

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

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@thelateinnings

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

@RxitWounds

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

@iam__kaycee

*Dating a Jealous dude*

Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone

@envydatropic

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

@TheOnion

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

@neiltyson

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

@JohnLyonTweets

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

@david8hughes

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

@ceejoyner

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.