chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!
*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
*Dating a Jealous dude*
Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.