Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

The second world war should have been called world war returns

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…