Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Guy who likes music

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.