Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.