The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
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What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Bro what is this
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.