The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The cycle continues
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.