Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.