The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
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Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
SONOFA
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table