The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.