The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Mouse
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.