The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
me irl
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
