The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
