Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.