The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Smells like a challenge to me
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
