The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
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The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
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LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
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