Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.