Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

Teach your children to beatbox

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

I’m awake but I object,

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.