The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box