Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

95% of dentists recommend teeth.