Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

Fun Things

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket