The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
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If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*