Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]