The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
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Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.