The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
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me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
This joke is 7 years old
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.