The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
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[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
just witnessed a drug deal
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*