the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
So we got a goldfish…
Where’s my employee discount too?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.