the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly