The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
You Might Also Like
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
That’s it.I’m out.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.