The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
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Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Breaking news:
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
This kid will have a bright future.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk