The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
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When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.