The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
TODAY
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.